


you call it love (that's more than I can bear)

by crispycrownkoala



Series: the blessings of tighe [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: AgentCorp, Alex and Lena deserve better and I'm giving it to them - eventually, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Mind-Wipe, New Relationship, and its consequences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 19:01:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17873000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crispycrownkoala/pseuds/crispycrownkoala
Summary: Set three weeks after “stitching up the circuit boards” ends. Jeremiah Danvers is back (kind of, not really), which prompts Lena to revive the kids conversation she and Alex never finished.





	you call it love (that's more than I can bear)

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of ideas for Alex and Lena, but I agree with the readers who pointed out that “stitching up the circuit board” is more of a stand-alone piece. Additional chapters wouldn’t have quite felt right. So I decided to do a series. It’s called “the blessings of tighe”, referencing a line of my favourite poem ever (“To Some Ladies” by John Keats, which in turn references a poem by Mary Tighe).  
> The title of this story is from "As I Am" (Radio Edit, Alin Coen Band) 
> 
>  
> 
> _I don’t want you to give me meaning_  
>  _No I want to feel I’m useful as I am_  
>  _I don’t want you to be redeeming_  
>  _But I want to be as honest as I can:_  
>  _You call it love, that’s more than I can bear_  
>  _It’s hard enough believing that you care ___  
>  _You are… trying to make me think I’m good enough ___  
>  _You are…trying make me feel I’m being loved ___  
>  _As I am ___

The first three things she’s aware of as soon as she wakes up are, in that order:

A smell. Specifically, the combination of Alex’s laundry detergent, Alex’s shampoo, and Alex herself. Each of those things smells good on their own, but together, they create an olfactory experience Lena has an almost Pavlovian response to. On every morning that she wakes up to that smell, she inhales deeply, deliberately, finds the nearest patch of naked skin on Alex and burrows her nose into the comforting scent, all while smiling widely. It doesn’t matter which day it is and what’s on the agenda for the rest of it. It’s a good day already. 

Alex’s hand, drawing circles on whichever part of Lena she can reach, depending on which position they wake up in. Sometimes her fingers a drumming a beat; sometimes it’s a stroking motion, a sensual up and down, but it’s always _something_ , because Alex is always awake before her, and instead of starting her day, going for a run or eating breakfast or taking a shower, she always stays in bed until Lena wakes up, and then she kisses her, tells her to enjoy the warm bed some more, and then goes off to do her things. 

__The feeling of happiness, soft and warm and all encompassing, settling over her entire being as she soaks it up and holds onto it tight._ _

__Maybe it’s too soon in their relationship for regular sleep-overs and consequent mornings together, but Lena doesn’t care, because being wrapped up so completely in Alex makes her feel like nothing can bring her down. (Even though, realistically speaking, she knows that something will bring them down soon enough. They’ll just have to get back up.)_ _

__What’s _too soon_ , anyway? Despite their worries that they were too similar to fit, she and Alex not only have a good thing going, it’s also surprisingly easy. They’re alike enough to understand each other on a level Lena has only experienced once before (and she’d rather not think about Lex at the moment) but different enough to keep things interesting. And they’re both willing to work on their relationship, much more than is actually required so far. __

___She really likes Alex. A lot._ _ _

___She has no doubt in her mind that Alex likes her a lot, too._ _ _

___And she’s not looking through rose-coloured glasses, she’s not naïve or intentionally ignoring negative stuff – like she did with James – because she knows that there are things out there that can hurt them. They don’t even have to go looking far. And there are also things inside them that can hurt them, secrets and insecurities and harsh truths. Between her family and Alex’s job and the mind-wipe (which is still not resolved) and her project, there are many things stacked against them._ _ _

___But in this moment, after waking up with Alex and watching her sleepy lover reach for the phone that just made the text message sound, not a single one comes to mind._ _ _

___It’s sweet irony, then, that Alex suddenly sits up alert, chokes on thin air, and whispers: “My father just made contact.”_ _ _

___Lena falls down onto the bed and curses the universe for having to give her an example._ _ _

___~~_ _ _

___Lena hasn’t been at the DEO in a while, and not since Colonel Hayley set up camp. The atmosphere this time stands in stark contrast to all the other times she’s been here. The agents are somewhat stiff, Brainy is weighing each of his words carefully, and Alex – her sweet, poor Alex – is veering between overly formal politeness and the grinding of her teeth in obvious frustration._ _ _

___It can’t be easy for her._ _ _

___Colonel Hayley follows different morals than Alex, and all she can do is watch and try to prevent the worst from happening. Add to that the emotional, mental – and sometimes physical stress – the mind-wipe puts her through, and the knowledge that her sister is in severe danger if she slips up…it’s enough to make anyone nervous, and that’s without taking your new girlfriend to a hostile workplace because your MIA father who is not dead (surprise!) but working for the enemy has suddenly made contact._ _ _

___Via text message._ _ _

___Lena doesn’t have to be particularly empathic or observant to see how much Colonel Hayley despises her being at the DEO. She has no idea if it’s because she’s a Luthor, a civilian, or Alex’s girlfriend. This is one battle Alex chose to fight, though; when Lena offered to come with her, she didn’t even hesitate, instead pressing her lips to Lena’s in silent thanks and pulling her out of the apartment. And after arriving at the DEO, she had made no move to separate their hands, or put distance between them, and when had Brainy tried to be funny by asking if it was “bring your girlfriend to work day”, there had been no sign that she was in any way uncomfortable._ _ _

___Alex is out at work, but being out as gay is different to being out as in a relationship with a Luthor. Lena knows Alex is not blind to this. Alex knows it, she just doesn’t care. (That’s what she said when Lena freaked out over Alex telling her mother about them; it went fine, although Lena assumes there’s a shovel talk in her future as soon as Eliza visits the next time)._ _ _

___Lost in her thoughts about the DEO, Lena is startled when Alex puts her hand on her shoulder._ _ _

___“You okay?”_ _ _

___“Fine”, Lena smiles. “I’m sorry, I was-”_ _ _

___“Ms. Luthor can wait here”, Hayley interrupts. “Agent Dox will try to trace the message. You will come with me, and tell me everything.”_ _ _

___“There is absolutely nothing more to the situation than me getting a text message from a number I don’t know, with its content suggesting that my father sent it and wants to meet”, Alex argues. “I’d like to know more about this, too. But I don’t. I came here as soon as I received the message.”_ _ _

___Hayley sighs. “Director Danvers, you have been complicit in helping your father before.”_ _ _

___“I came here”, Alex repeats, “I gave you my phone. I didn’t write back. He is my father, but he’s also working with Cadmus, and I’m under no illusion that he will get any special treatment. I may have helped him before, but I also blew up a warehouse while we were both still in it."_ _ _

___“As was Ms. Luthor’s mother, the head of Cadmus. And you did this on an unsanctioned mission. Did you think any of that was a point in your favour?”_ _ _

___Alex chances a look at Lena’s reaction to that exchange. She knows what happened – it was one of the first secrets Alex revealed to her right after they got together, the connection between their parents too delicate and important a topic not to discuss it – but she’s surprised Hayley does as well. There’s no time to ask about it, though, because suddenly Hayley turns around to give orders, and Alex has to go suit up._ _ _

___Alex leads her team to where her father suggested they meet, and Lena is allowed to wait and watch with Brainy and Hayley. It’s unexpectedly generous of the Colonel, and Lena takes a minute to wonder if there’s more behind it. She doesn’t have time to dwell on that, either, because something goes wrong._ _ _

___Something goes wrong, and Lena can’t find it in herself to be surprised about that. Of course something goes wrong, because there was little to no chance that this wouldn't turn out to be some kind of trap. Of course something goes wrong, because when it comes to Alex’s family, nothing is ever easy. Lena knows that feeling very well. After all, nothing’s ever easy with her own family, either._ _ _

___Suddenly, people are shouting, someone ordering someone to _"block his path!"_ and then just general rustling and bustling. There’s a lot of commotion on the comms, and Lena looks over to Brainy. “They’re fine”, he assures her. “Alex is fine.” This would be so much easier if Supergirl were there. Lena knows why she can’t be; she doesn’t work for or with the DEO anymore, and Alex requesting her to be part of the mission – especially when it’s so personal to her – would just raise suspicions. It still disappointing, no matter how reasonable it is. She knows that Kara wants to be there, more for Alex than for Jeremiah probably, and that it hurts to keep her distance. ___

___The sound of Alex’s voice breaks her out of her thoughts. “Keep your distance”, she orders her team. “He trapped me, somehow. I can’t move. If you come closer, it could get you, too.”_ _ _

___On the screens, she can see that blinking light that has to be Alex, because it’s separate from the other lights. Her team’s lights are situated some distance away, in groupings of two or three. They’re behind her, and to her left and right. Lena can only assume that Jeremiah Danvers is somewhere in front of her._ _ _

___“Don’t move”, Alex says again. “It’s fine”. Lena wants to know why she repeated her order and what, exactly, is fine about this situation, but then Jeremiah Danvers speaks, and if she can hear him, that must mean he’s directly in front of Alex._ _ _

___“It’s so good to see you again. I’m sorry though, that it has to be like this.”_ _ _

___It’s not fair, the things Alex has to deal with. Alex cares about people, even though she hides it behind her tough exterior and sarcasm most of the time. But Lena is one of the lucky ones who are allowed behind the wall, and she has never felt so cared about before. Alex is attentive and passionate, and she makes her smile. She knows her so well, and uses that knowledge to make her life easier and happier. Lena loves how Alex makes her feel, how her eyes burn with desire when she wears one of her corporate dresses and just the same when she wears her regular comfortable clothes. How she’s considerate about everything, from music, coffee and bedsheets to Lena’s moods and the demands of her job. How Alex actually likes to touch a lot, not a hugger like Kara but tactile in a different way. How sometimes Lena is insecure about stuff, shyly trying to ask for what she wants – because Alex makes her feel safe like that – and Alex never bats an eyelash, just goes with it and thanks her for being honest and open. How they spend so much time together and Alex always makes sure that it fits into their day. Lena doesn’t have to abandon her work and obligations, trying to carve out time that she doesn’t have; she wants to, sometimes, and then she does. But many times Alex just helps her get stuff done or makes her get a ten minute break for them to talk and cuddle a bit. She always knows when to be here, and when to back off. Lena may be all about big gestures – an apartment filled with flowers – but Alex is a master at the small gestures that make you feel like nothing in the world is easier than being with Alex Danvers. She can talk to Alex about anything, and of course there’s their chemistry in bed. It’s so ama-_ _ _

___“Trap leader”, Colonel Hayley says, and with a start Lena remembers her presence. “Can you move?”_ _ _

___“Negative”, Alex replies._ _ _

___Hayley frowns for a second, but then her expression is blank again. “Trap team, apprehend the target.”_ _ _

___“Negative”, Alex snarls, and Lena doesn’t even have to look at the screens to know that none of the agents moved and inch. Hayley may be superior to Alex, but their loyalties are very clear. They’re not military, they’re DEO, and from her visits she can see how much strain Hayley’s reign puts on all of them._ _ _

___“Trap leader, if you don’t-”_ _ _

___But Alex doesn’t let her finish. “Trap team, stand by.”_ _ _

___“ _Director Danvers _”, Hayley growls. “This is not a family reunion; this is a mission to apprehend a Cadmus agent, so you will-”___ _ _

___“Dad”, Alex interrupts. “Don’t do this.”_ _ _

___“Why the hell do we not have visual?”, Hayley asks Brainy._ _ _

___“I’m working on whatever is blocking us”, he replies._ _ _

___“Do it faster.”_ _ _

___“Yes Ma’am.”_ _ _

___“I saw you. Be careful Alex, getting into bed with a Luthor is not a good idea.”_ _ _

___There’s a gasp, and Lena knows there’s a good chance that it came from her, but from how every other noise has just died down and every single person in the command centre now seems even more focused than before, it’s also possible that it came from anyone else._ _ _

___“You contact me, after all this time, risking imprisonment for treason…to warn me not to repeat your mistakes?” There’s a bit of hysteria in her voice, but most noticeable is the anger radiating off of Alex, even over the comms. “And you thought you needed a force field making me immobile and a bomb threating my agents in order to get the message across?”_ _ _

___“Director Danvers, what kind of bomb are you talking about and where is it?”, Hayley demands. Someone from the trap team reports back and discusses the game plan with Colonel Hayley while Alex continues her stare-down with her father. Lena wonders why Alex isn’t the one strategizing with Hayley, but then realizes that it would be dumb to do so in front of her fa- in front of the enemy._ _ _

___“I’m sorry, Alex. Please just be careful.”_ _ _

___“Oh, I am. But you better get used to seeing me with Lena. Or, better yet, don’t. You won’t be seeing much of us when you’re locked away in a prison cell.”_ _ _

___There are a lot of things happening after that – the trap team defusing the bomb, Jeremiah fleeing, the force field finally losing it’s effect, lots of cursing over the comms in the command centre over losing the target, Hayley giving everyone new orders and having Alex report for debrief. Lena waits and waits and thinks about only one thing: Alex is probably the best thing that ever happened to her, and she wants to be the same for Alex, but has no idea how to be._ _ _

___~~_ _ _

___They’re home, at Alex’s apartment, and she has just finished telling Kara everything that happened. As expected, Kara is upset that she wasn’t there for her sister, or even her best friend. There’s nothing that can be done about that at the moment, though. They have to focus on the situation at hand, on what Jeremiah hoped to accomplish with the stunt he pulled, on what Hayley – and Alex, for that matter – plan to do about it._ _ _

___“Lena, hey, you okay? You’re awfully quiet.”_ _ _

___“I don’t think we should have kids”, Lena blurts out._ _ _

___The Danvers sisters stare at her, Kara looking shell-shocked and Alex looking a bit frustrated, dropping her shoulders and then taking a deep breath._ _ _

___It is so, so unfair to do this now. To expect Alex to deal with this now, when she’s already dealing with so many other things. Lena wants to take it back, but knows that Alex won’t run from that conversation, and won’t let her run from it after she started it._ _ _

___“You think we shouldn’t have them, or you don’t want to have them?”_ _ _

___Before Lena can answer – not that she really wants to – Kara springs up from the couch and mutters about hearing sirens somewhere. But Alex shakes her head and motions for her to stay. Looking a bit confused, Kara reluctantly nods and makes her way over to the kitchen to busy herself with making coffee._ _ _

___“You think we shouldn’t have them, or you don’t want to have them?”, Alex asks again._ _ _

___“I wouldn’t be a good mother; at all. I have no good role models, I’m a workaholic, I’m too cold and distant. And look at your father. He was such a good man, but now he’s…he’s _not _. If that can happen to him, if he can hurt you like that, then what chance do I have of being a good mother?”___ _ _

___“You can’t-”_ _ _

___“And you just declared war on him! For _me _! And yes, I know it wasn’t just for me, or even at all; it was for your sister, and for all the innocent people that have been hurt and that will get hurt, and it was for everything you believe in. For what’s right. But it felt like it was a bit for me as well, and how can you do that? He’s your father. I’m just someone you’re infatuated with. We might not even work out. We make no sense on paper, remember? I won’t be the one to stand between you and your father. Blood is supposed to be thicker than water, haven’t you heard of that?”___ _ _

___“Are you done?”_ _ _

___There are no more words in her, so Lena just nods, chancing a look over her should at Kara, who covertly wipes away a tear._ _ _

___“You haven’t answered my original question, but since your first argument was that you wouldn’t be a good mother, can I assume that you do want kids, but you’re scared of screwing them up?”_ _ _

___That’s true, but Lena is a bit of a masochist sometimes, so she asks:_ _ _

___“What if I don’t want them?”_ _ _

___“Then I would be a mad, a little bit. I mean, it’s your choice, but you did know from the beginning what being a mother means to me, and that I broke off an engagement for that dream. I know I said before we got together that I don’t even know if you want kids, but if you really don’t want them, it would have been fair to tell me that before we got that far in.”_ _ _

___“So you would be mad, and disappointed”, Lena sums up. “And we would break up?”_ _ _

___Alex sighs, opens her mouth to reply, but Lena cuts her off. “Don’t answer that. It’s a moot point. I’m sorry. I do want them, but I am scared. Everything I said was true, it wasn’t just an excuse. And I’m struggling even with being a good girlfriend, how do you expect me to be a good mother?”_ _ _

___She hasn’t even finished her last sentence, and Alex’s eyes are already clouding over dangerously. Behind her, Kara is choking on the coffee she was just sipping, while simultaneously gesturing at Alex furiously._ _ _

___“Excuse me?” There’s an incredulous note in Alex’s voice that Lena doesn’t quite know what to make of._ _ _

___Kara, who has managed to swallow her coffee and not suffocate, exclaims: “You struggle with being a good girlfriend?”_ _ _

___“Why are you two reacting like that?”, Lena asks with raised eyebrows. “Because you’re pretty stupid for a genius”, Kara deadpans. Alex throws her sister a look. “Keep out of it, Kara.”_ _ _

___“Then why did you even have me stay?”_ _ _

___“Later”, Alex waves her off. “Lena. Babe. Seriously, I have no idea where that thought comes from. Or, okay, I have some idea. I _have _met your mother. But you’re really good to me. Like, way too good, sometimes.”___ _ _

___“It’s true”, Kara chimes in. “Not the part where you’re too good to her, because no one can ever be too good to my sister. But Alex is raving about how great of a girlfriend you are all the time, and even if she wasn’t, I have eyes and ears!”_ _ _

___“Thanks, Kara. I can take it from here. Babe, I want you to know it’s not true. I mean, yes you are a workaholic, but so am I and if we do have kids, we’ll work on that. And you’re not cold, or distant. You’re _hot _-”___ _ _

___“ _Alex _…”___ _ _

___“I’m not trying to be funny or flirty. Just let me finish, okay? You’re hot, and I don’t just mean your physical appearance. I mean your passion, your fire. They way you look at me and take care of me and make space in your life for me. It’s anything but cold and distant. And look at Sam – she didn’t have a good role model either, and she made Ruby. We can do that, too.”___

___“But what if-”_ _ _

___“I’m not done. The other thing you said, about me being infatuated with you? That’s true, but it’s also so much more than that. You know that, don’t you? Haven’t I shown you that?”_ _ _

___“You have, Alex. I apologize for belittling your feelings.”_ _ _

___“And it was for you, a bit. What I said to my father? But you’re not responsible for our relationship, and you don’t stand between us. You're standing beside me, always, like an equal partner should. Also, did you really try to run me off by misquoting a proverb?_ _ _

___“I- what?”_ _ _

___“Many linguists say the real proverb, the full version, goes like this: The blood of the coven is thicker than the water of the womb”, Kara helpfully supplies from her place on the kitchen stool. She’s grinning again, and Alex looks over at her with a proud look on her face. “I know that because one day I came home crying from school. Some bullies had said some awful stuff. And Alex explained to me how people are always getting that proverb wrong and how she chose to be my sister, which can never be worth less than sharing blood.”_ _ _

___“Because that’s what family is to me”, Alex picks up the explanation. “Not blood, not relation. But the feeling that, no matter how bad your day was, no matter what challenges you might face, it’ll all be okay as long as you have that person to come home to. And we might not have been together long, but I feel that with you. Just like I feel it with Kara, mind-wipe or not.”_ _ _

___In that moment, Lena realizes why Alex wanted Kara to stay, and from the loving, teary look on her face, Kara realizes it, too. Alex knew that one way or another, they were going to have a conversation about family today. And she wanted both of them to hear her say what she had to say. To reassure them both._ _ _

___“And I know I can’t make any promises, not really. We’ve only just started out, and our lives and my job are complicated. But there’s one thing I _can _promise: I won’t leave you. Kids or not, girlfriends or not, I won’t leave you. Whatever we may be to each other in the future, we’ll always be family, and I’ll always be here for you.”___ _ _

___It’s probably the biggest promise anyone has ever made to Lena, and it will be difficult to keep. After all, Maggie is not in Alex’s life anymore, and neither is her father. But those two made their own choices as well, and if there’s anyone Lena trusts to keep a promise, it’s Alex. She’d probably kill herself trying to keep it. Alex is determined, yes, but more than that she’s dependable. She will never let her family suffer if she can help it._ _ _

___For the first time this evening, a small smile graces Lena’s lips. “I think I really believe that.”_ _ _

___“Good”, Alex smiles back. Kara rushes towards them to pull them both into a hug. “I’m so happy we’re all okay!”_ _ _

___Lena squeezes her best friend’s hand. They still have to work some things out from the Supergirl reveal, but they’re getting better every day._ _ _

___“I have two questions”, Lena declares.___

___Alex nods. “Shoot.”_ _ _

___“Number one: how do you do that?”_ _ _

___“Do what?”_ _ _

___“How do you handle all of…this? You’re under so much pressure in your job all the time, which I get because I’ve got a stressful professional life as well. But add to that the emotional stress, me freaking out on you…but _you _don’t freak out. Maybe you struggle sometimes, maybe you get flustered, but you don’t fall into this pit of doubt and confusion like I do. So how do you do that?”___ _ _

___“Okay, first of all, I do. Sometimes. And when it's my turn, I fully expect you to be the reasonable one. Lena, with everything that’s happened with you and your family, no one could honestly claim that you can’t handle emotional stress. Brainy told me about the boxes thing, you know? I get that. But where our relationship is concerned…no, I don’t freak out. I don’t mind that you do, because I get it. But I just…”_ _ _

___“Just what?”_ _ _

___“I told you when we started that I know who I am and I know what I want. Well, what I want is for you and me both to be happy. With each other. So I’m just focusing on that. On all the factors of it that I can influence. The rest of it, we’ll handle as it comes. I learned that I can’t put my happiness on hold because I’m worried about what might be. I’m here, with you. And I don’t want any part of me to be anywhere else.”_ _ _

___For a moment, there’s only silence in the apartment. Kara is wiping tears again. Lena swallows past the lump in her throat, and then rasps: “That was a really good answer.”_ _ _

___Alex shrugs, stealing another kiss from Lena. “What was the second question?”_ _ _

___“Well”, Lena drawls. “It’s actually more of an observation. You called me babe.”_ _ _

___“Yeah, I did. Sorry, is – is that okay?”_ _ _

___“Yes. I like it. I’m usually not a big fan of pet names, but…as you said, I’m here, with you, and I don’t want to be anywhere else. I want to be with you, fully. And that means committing to our relationship and figuring out our way together. It doesn’t matter who or what came before. We matter. And I think, with each other, we’re pet names kind of people. ”_ _ _

___Alex smiles in the way that means Lena has done something very, very right, and pulls Lena in for a kiss. Kara uses a fake cough to remind them she’s still here. “Are things always so intense with you two? It’s just a pet name.”_ _ _

___“It’s called communication, Kara. What’s wrong with talking things out?”_ _ _

___“Nothing. Are _we_ going to talk things out? You and me, and Lena and me? I mean, we did, a bit, but I feel like there’s still some stuff we should probably dive into again.” ___

___“We will”, Alex promises. “How about sister night tomorrow, and bestie night for you two on Friday? And we’ll talk through everything?”_ _ _

___Kara and Lena both agree, and Kara leaves them with big hugs._ _ _

___“Are you okay?”, Lena asks. “It must have been a difficult day for you.”_ _ _

___“It was”, Alex agrees. “But it’s like I said. It’ll all be okay as long as you have family to come home to. I’m probably going to want to talk more about all this when I’ve digested it a bit. That okay?”_ _ _

___“Always”, Lena says softly. “Whatever you need. I’m here.”_ _ _

___“I’m here”, Alex repeats._ _ _

___And in that moment, nothing feels more important or true._ _ _


End file.
